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Thought of the day:

Imagine being Jeremy Kyle’s child.

Sitting casually on the sofa watching tv, enter Jeremy Kyle.

You: Alright, dad?

JK: Now, talk to me about the situation you’re in. Did you get homework today? Is any due tomorrow? Have you done it?

You: Yes dad, it’s all done.

JK: Really? Well, we’ll see.

You: Daaaaaad…

JK: Who’s Tim?

You: Not again.

JK: Tim’s coming through, that way!

Enter Tim from the left.

JK: Tim, thanks for coming. What’s your view on this situation?

Tim: Well, I didn’t see her do any homework, she’s been sitting there since she got home.

You: Oh, don’t be a prick

JK: You, watch your language!

You: For God’s sake.

JK: So you don’t think she’s done anything at all, Tim?

Tim: Of course she hasn’t!

JK: Well, we have done the lie-detector, let’s get those all important results, big day for you both.

Opens an envelope slowly.

JK: Are you going to pass?

You: (Sigh) Yes dad.

JK: We asked you, have you got any homework due tomorrow, you said yes. You were telling the truth. Then we asked you, have you done said homework due tomorrow. You said yes, why did you say yes?

You: Are we seriously doing this again?

JK: Why did you say yes?

You: I was telling the truth.

JK: She was telling the truth, Tim!

Tim nods.

JK: The we asked you if you had any other homework, you said yes. Again, telling the truth! Now, here’s the big one. We asked you if you had finished all of your homework. You said yes, why did you say yes?

You: To get you off my back?

JK: Well this test says you were lying.

Tim: How could you?!

Tim storms out.

JK: I think you know what you have to do. I’m going to send you to Graham, he’s going to help you through this; now go and get all your homework done! And don’t ever try and lie to me again, that’s disgraceful.

You: And you wonder why I never bring friends over…

Mama Cass’ vocal range increased dramatically after she was hit over the head with a lead pipe in 1965. I feel it’s our duty to see if the same technique will work with Aqua. In fact, it’s my personal mission. And if, by any chance, they’re on tour with Celine Dion, the more the merrier. I’ll find you, Aqua! I’ll find you if I have to knock on every door in Stockholm fresh from the plumber’s merchants, and if it doesn’t work first time I’ll try and try again! I’ll make of you singers yet, you Euro-pop ponces if it takes a Joe Pesci-size beating! And Celine Dion, your heart won’t go on but there’ll be plenty of beating believe me, you maple leaf hag! YOU’RE NEXT IN LINE!
Bit of Mark Lamarr for shitz and giggz
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